About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You need a sexual gate keeper
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
