I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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