I will die if light touches me.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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