He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
