I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You ruined the universe
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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