I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
