Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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