We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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