so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
