All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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