I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Randomize
