how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
