So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
