I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
