I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
