I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
