Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
