my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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