How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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