I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
