Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
