the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Drunk is not a location!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
