I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
