New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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