she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
