Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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