we have officially lost it.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
