Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
