you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Randomize
