Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
