A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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