We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
