hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
