please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
