Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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