If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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