my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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