I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
