please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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