It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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