so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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