I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
