Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
