everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
