i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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