I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
