dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
