Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
