Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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