I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
